11/7/02: Boil it Down!

OK, since the "Finish That Honku!" contest was such a smashing success -- people came up with some truly inspired new honku -- I've got a new one. It's called "
Boil it Down!"

Boil it Down! works like this: Take the raw concepts and material below, chip, whittle and
boil them down until a clever, efficient and poetic 17-syllable honku reveals itself to you...

SUV man with flag waving from his antenna
if you really loved america so much
you'd trade that in for a fucking hyundai


able to apply lipstick
talk on cellphone
clean child's face
in a single bound
while merging
onto busy freeway
dale earnhardt jr.
you've got nothing on her


damn rubberneckers!
accident on the other side of the freeway
slows down traffic on this side
guaranteed every time, like some demented new law of thermodynamics
since i had to wait behind these jerks for 30 minutes anyway
i may as well take my sweet time
gawking at the accident
when it comes my turn


Open up the National Arctic Wildlife Refuge for oil drilling
So we can keep driving our GMC Yukon Denalis
Up the rugged mountain like we see in the ads
To watch Alaskan glaciers melt at record speed

Will this vehicle double as a boat?

By the way, as with the previous contest, if your honku is used in the book and you give me your mailing address, I will send you a copy of the book when it comes out.


I've been doing work at this organization called Transportation Alternatives. TA advocates for pedestrians and cyclists and pushes for sensible transportation policies. I wrote a letter to the Mayor's office on TA stationary thanking them for initiating their Silent Night anti-noise initiative and offering whatever help and advice I could provide. Amazingly, Vincent LaPadula, senior advisor to Mayor Bloomberg, called back and scheduled a meeting.

I'm not sure what may come of the meeting. But they mentioned this interesting factoid: Of the 97,000 calls that the Mayor's Quality of Life hotline received last year, 93,000 were for noise issues. When you consider that it takes about 6,000 votes to elect your average Brooklyn City Councilmember, 93,000 seems like a lot.


A patriotic poster from Bill Maher's new book: